Attention: full satire!
Do you still remember? Germany was the reigning football world champion. Four times. The third time was in 1990, when the giants took the crown. 1:0 against Argentina. Matthäus. The only goal scorer Brehme. Littbarski. Illner. Just real men … Other heroes. Then it was quiet for a long time. But in 2014 it finally happened again. 1:0 again. Again against Argentina. This time Götze was the hero. Schürrle’s preparatory work, carried by sheer Teutonic willpower, found Götze, who finished intuitively and delicately and, for the Gauchos, fatally. All of Germany was in a frenzy of joy, even weeks later; a feeling of „we“ swept through the country, truly profoundly called „four-feeling“ (in German language is “we” “wir” which sounds like “vier” which means “four”; just a charming word game) like by the Bild newspaper, because a fourth star was now emblazoned on the heroes‘ breasts. Hooray. Everywhere. Bread and games. The membranes separating the social classes suddenly seemed more permeable than ever. „We King of world,“ Ali shouted in expandable German.
Today, however, you would find yourself in a country whose sports athletes – quoting a former German world-class high jumped – have lost their „toughness“; a bitter realisation by this ex-sports star, who sees Germany as having arrived in complete insignificance after zero medals at the recent World Championships in Athletics. Like Micronesia, where the name has always been the programme in sporting terms; but Germany? The former medal forge par excellence? A trūmmerised heap, degenerate in ordinariness, in sameness and denial of achievement.
The neglect of the elites, the Babylonian melting pot, media gender coercion and LGBTQ are bearing rotten fruit; the country is rotten, smearing, below average. All this strikes you.
Which reminds me of a certainty: Germans are dying out. Okay, yawn, that’s not a new insight, and not quite so soon, perhaps, but still with mathematical certainty … Snip-snip, the end. Despite occasional eruptions of birth rates a la insemination, which not infrequently causes quadruplets and is also often chosen by lesbians as a means of reproduction. But these are probably only small coarse grains in the maelstrom of history; they refuse to join the maw, circle desperately at its edge, lurch, stagger, stretch into the light – and yet are erased, like a mistake, like a touch of guilt.
Since I am not a Nazi – the violent cynics from Germany’s dark times would probably have sent me to the gas because of my origins – I dare, despite the expected misinterpretations of green-political hypocrites who presume to play the role of regulator, to start thinking from the realisation of the probably imminent end of the Germans. Raising questions. Curious as I am.
First of all, I ask myself, what is it actually? The German? Does it still exist at all? When is one German? What makes one German? The blood? The genes? A birthplace between Sylt and Kiefersfelden, even if the Punjab indicates parentage? Or – with respect – an origin between Alsace and Torun? Or simply a significant thirst for beer? Or perhaps a barbaric envy that always wells up and, if necessary, vomits hurricane-like into the German environment when a colleague gets a pay rise?
The neighbour owns the bigger house? Or the disgustingly handsome guy have already his seventh lady endeavour this summer? And on top of that, the cretin drives a Porsche? Is it enough to have a German passport to be German? Like millions of ethnic Turks loyal to Erdogan?
Accompanied by a nebulous sense of loss that stirs me up, I sense that being German has long since changed. The street scenes are obvious.
Perhaps German is an expression and synonym for a pre-future social creed, a la All men are brothers, or All men are equal? True to the motto: It doesn’t matter where you come from, who you pray to, whether you pray at all. The main thing is eating, football, fucking, watching television?
In Germany there is freedom of opinion.
Freedom of opinion … Yes, that may well be true, in Germany everyone is allowed to say (almost) anything to anyone. You can even post yourself in front of the Bundestag or on some damn street corner and shout (at least until 10 p.m.); Germans, the real ones, are very petty when it comes to keeping the peace at night), salivating, spitting, into the crackling mike that politicians are the last straw, especially this one or that one of the guild, Foreign Minister Baerbock obviously mentally deficient, Economics Minister Habeck quite a jerk, and Chancellor Scholz a liar who, on top of it all, hurt himself jogging, no, not his foot, but his face; some things you can’t make up. Life itself leads ad absurdum.
All this can be said in Germany, shouted at the top of one’s voice (except for the denial of the Shoa, which is also correct so that it is not forgotten or relativised). And nothing happens. At most, a report of green morons who see themselves tempted to spout their ideological nonsense. But otherwise? In any case, no nandrolone-injected bone crushers show up, and certainly not the police. You might get a few pitying looks, or a few cents. Because nobody is interested in what you are shouting about. The citizen’s opinion is inflationary. Even if two hundred thousand people take to the streets against something, nothing changes. A little media hype, a few chattering politicians, slavering GREENS and LEFTISTS, that’s it. A pseudo-freedom of expression prevails. At first glance, this may seem more pleasing and more democratic than censorship and arbitrariness, but the result is astonishingly identical: a babbling crowd that nobody listens to is confronted with a muted one. I can hardly think of a difference in the result.
But if one critically states that Germany has not only changed in the sense of modernity, globalisation, high-tech development, an energy turnaround – albeit suspected of being gigantic mumbo-jumbo – but also in terms of the ethnic, cultural and religious composition of the population, one enters a fiery furnace.
A perceived million egalitarians, Germany-haters, a bulk of journalists I like to call „faecalaisists“, and sourpusses are fuelling the melting monster. After all, the right is lurking everywhere … Let’s be honest, hand on heart, which clear-thinking person among us is not overcome by nausea?
Maybe I am a Nazi? it seizes me.
Clearly I feel more than a touch of dismay. A surge of bad conscience, too. But what does that mean? Nazi? According to the general tenor in the media and society, I would have to be pretty stupid, barely able to speak, let alone write, probably bald, think foreigners are shit and be a loser in general. As a Nazi, I would also have to reject the democratic-secular system (without knowing what secular means) in this country, perhaps fight it. Just like Mr. Mundlos and Co. once did. Only without false friends. That is, without the help of the BND. Pardon me, I couldn’t resist the joke.
I look in the mirror. Well, I have what Hitler once preferred: blue eyes. An imaginary tick is quickly made in my head list. I’m also quite tall, at least not as short as a kümmel Turk – hey, I’m kidding, sorry – but a full one metre and ninety-one. Standard size, so to speak. The next tick.
I’m beginning to get a queasy feeling. But I am not despondent. Ah, courage! Another tick? No. Dogs can be brave too, even Italians. In times of peace – and when a ship isn’t breaking up, right, “Schetti” (you remember the “brave” captain of the luxury liner?).
I recall my language. German. As an ex-Leipziger, I also know Saxon, but I don’t really use it. Anyway, another tick made.
To sum up. Aryan eyes, a good measure, defender of the German linguistic heritage. That already sounds suspiciously Nazi, I think. But I haven’t finished adding it up.
Father? Oh, damn. That’s messing up my cut. Arabs. Father’s atheism, friendship with Assad and high-ranking diplomatic career won’t help.
Mother? I almost don’t dare reveal it. From east of the Vistula. Polish. Her mother also with Belarusian roots. The image of the Nazi is crumbling. But maybe I am a kind of one-eyed Charlie like Samuel Jackson embodied in Tarantino’s „Django unchained“? The scales are tipping back towards Nazi, I thstrangely elated. But in the unconditional will to know what I am now, I force myself to calm down, thinking abruptly of delaying an orgasm. Then I am overcome by thoughtfulness. I review my views, inclinations, sayings that I like to share with my friends. What do I think about democracy?
I don’t vote (you recognise the defiance in these words?).
Not because I didn’t want to, but because no party appeals to me. And compromises are not my thing. I find the Left’s foreign policy partly acceptable, their attitude to Russia conciliatory, but the tax on the rich and the old West German communists horrify me. SPD? The Polilux image of a flux animal from biology class pops into my head. CDU? Everything, but no opposition. And if Merkel’s portrait made me laugh, Merz’s only makes me cry, and the food I’ve recently eaten urges me to vomit it up explosively. Greens? I don’t like fascists. FPD? I have to grin. Spontaneous. The only one with charisma seemed to me to be Möllemann, but he’s long dead. AfD? Let’s wait and see … it can hardly get worse. At least I buy their attachment to Germany. NPD? Hey, they’re supposed to be Nazis. Should even be banned. Which, in the eyes of a passionate rebel, at least surrounds them with the aura of interesting. But I remember hearing about thieving MPs, gutturally stammering speakers and, above all, bad clothes. So, no, not them either. So I am a non-voter. With a pocket square and very cool shoes. But a non-voter not because of disorientation or a fatalistic world view, but because of a lack of alternatives.
Does that make me a democracy denier? I don’t think so. Especially since I cannot deny or affirm anything that does not actually exist: Democracy, rule of the people. Nonsense. I attach greater importance to driving forces from industrial circles and think tanks than to elections that are decided indirectly through the use of controlled or latently manipulated media and the stoking of fears of loss. Am I serious? But yes! Perhaps Nazi tendencies are resonating there after all? I continue to examine myself.
What do I think about foreigners? Tough question. A world opens up. But first I feel thirsty for beer. So I get myself a beer. A German one. Ha! Fizz. Tastes manly. Ice cold. But the Poles brew good stuff too, the Czechs anyway. In view of the Slavic competition, I don’t want to infer a Nazi tendency from good German beer. So I dismiss the idea and delve deeper into the subject of foreigners. When is one … um… just one?
Let’s take a citizen of the Federal Republic of Germany of Turkish origin whose parents once immigrated from Anatolia. His parents were born there, in Turkey, but have been living in Almania for thirty years. He himself was born in Berlin, let’s say in Wedding. Good. Starting point. So is he one, a foreigner? Even though he has a German (and secretly a Turkish) passport? According to legal reading, probably not, clearly a German! But for me and my salvation, it’s still a tricky question; I don’t trust the roast, I realise. I remember a video that recently made the rounds via Whatsapp. A southern-looking man wearing a cheap Hawaiian-made necklace in the German national colours around his neck, calls his employer after a night of drinking and stammers „üsch kaputt“, „Raki“, „nüsch komme“ and „siktir“ (fuck you) on the phone. I combine.
My mind is made up. He is a foreigner if – after a period of time, let’s say five years, even more so if he was born in Germany – he doesn’t master the German language halfway, as an alternative, like a four-year-old. So that would be a foreigner for me. On the other hand, I don’t give a damn about legality antics. Okay, we have that. Now to the question of whether I make distinctions about foreigners? You see me looking embarrassed. Because I do make these differences. After all, they are different, the foreigners. I could write down a whole list right now. Well, I think French people are really great. You know, savoir vivre and all that. The Scots are good too. They’re both my favourites. A cultural circle, so to speak. And I think Russians are great too; I’m sure there’s a fair amount of respect here, after all, they won the Second World War, they’re doing their thing in Ukraine, they produced Sholokhov as a writer. And quite honestly, a borscht prepared with dignity is unbeatable. Hungarians are also great, by the way. Not because of the goulash. Somehow peculiar, these people. Like cats. They do what they want, don’t let themselves be bent. What about the Poles? Hey, I am living in Poland, I am half polish; besides, I’m biased, I have two of my best friends here. Asians? Cat heads, one of my Leipzig friends always says, but that’s really dumb racist and fundamentally wrong, so I always pretend I didn’t hear it.
Americans? I don’t like them much, but I know there are really (!) cool guys among them. Arabs? It depends. An educated Syrian or Jordanian, a doctor for example, is hard to beat as a conversation partner. But the mob? Always this aggressiveness. And then always this „Uallah, Alder“ … Who needs that nonsense?
Once again I sum up. Apparently, I tend to make distinctions according to my own taste. I think some foreigners are wonderful, and I wouldn’t even think of showing them any less esteem than I would a … let’s say… um… real coffee Saxons. Other foreigners inspire me less, they should stay where the pepper grows. This ambivalence doesn’t really get me anywhere. Am I a Nazi or not, damn it?
I finally decide, rather annoyed, not to be one, but I admit to holding quite specific opinions that might be classified by mentally boarded-up third parties (you know, the Green fascists) as tending to the right of centre. I know democracy isn’t one, freedom of expression is tolerated but a toothless tiger, certain foreigners are suspect to me, I look pretty Aryan, and have turned my back on the electoral system. The fact that I come from foreign parents, love certain foreigners, and regard religion – as does the Jewish-American Nobel Prize winner and atheist Steven Weinberg – as a cause of human damage, seems likely to cause confusion.